Three Scoops š¦ is a newsletter for millennials, by millennials with a focus on personal growth, sharing our finest resources with you to live your fullest life š¤¹āāļø.
- Love Fidan & Maria šÆāāļø
Growing up, we're taught to deal with the challenges of romantic heartbreaks, but it seems that we're not given the same level of guidance or validation when it comes to friendship breakups. It's a curious thing.
Have you ever experienced a friendship ābreakupā in your adult life?
Chances are, most of us have.
Maria and I went through our own friendship breakup two years ago. We went from being the best of friends and present in each otherās daily lives, to suddenly not speaking for an entire year. It was heartbreaking and alienating to experience. Heartbreaking because it came with grieving and intense emotions I didnāt anticipate. Alienating because I didnāt have a roadmap. I didnāt know it could hurt more than a romantic breakup.
Sometimes the cause of a relationship ending or fizzling out is clear as day. An act of betrayal, hurtful behaviour, geographical separation, or lifestyle changes such as new relationships or children. Other times itās harder to pinpoint. Our identities, personalities, beliefs, and interests evolve and as a result, naturally, we begin to drift apart, questioning the very foundation of what bonds us. Our lifestyles change, priorities in life diverge, and we find ourselves suddenly feeling disconnected from our friend(s). Maybe we even wake up one day and find ourselves in unhealthy relationship dynamics that we no longer want.
In our case, it was a cocktail of some of the above elements that accumulated and burst through the seams one Monday morning over an explosive phone call.Ā
It can be gradual, or sudden. But either way, it often comes with awkwardness, confusion, and pain.Ā
So, how do we deal with it? Play it cool and move on like itās no big deal? Argue through a texting match, then internally vow to never speak to them again? Avoid, ghost and simply sweep it under the rug? Play the blame game and complain to others? What are the conscious ways to deal with such a split? How can we process the ordeal, and learn from this experience?
Every meaningful relationship experiences conflict, regardless of how successful it may seem. Conflict is an inevitable part of any human interaction. However, what determines the success of a relationship is not the presence of conflict itself, but how it's handled.
Here is one way to get curious šµļø. Letās dive into the āFour Horsemenā-Ā a powerful framework created by researcher John Gottman.
Four negative behavioural tendencies are presented, that could lead to the end of a relationship. While this research was based on monogamous couples, it applies to any significant relationship like friends and family.Ā
If you recognize yourself in any of these "horsemen", itās totally normal.
The good news? There are complementary āantidotesāš§Æ; positive behavioural responses that can remedy an unhealthy communication style.
If you like this framework, you can go more in depth here!
Letās not deny it, sometimes a friendship ending is exactly what is needed - to break a pattern, end a cycle and make space for new ways of relating.Ā
Hereās a quick checklist for a conscious friendship breakup:
ā¤ļøāš©¹ Have I taken the time to process it all? This is for ourselves - Itās not taken for granted that speaking about the conflict with a friend or confidante can allow us to find peace. Turns out both Maria and I found support through our coaches and this allowed us both to nurture peace over time.Ā
š§æ Am I in acceptance of our current status? No longer denying that dynamics have shifted, from this space we are open to moving forwards.
ā Have I taken responsibility for my part? Identifying where we could have done better. Where can we honestly take responsibility? Draw learnings from this experience, regardless of how hurtful the situation is, and even if it is the end of the road (or not).
āļø Am I open to expressing my truth? Is there anything else that would be of service to this friendship that needs to be expressed? Once emotions have cooled, is there a possibility to express where we are at, our boundaries and our needs? Maybe even expressing gratitude for the moments we shared.Ā
šļø Have I done some Forgiveness work?Ā Slowly moving the needle towards loving kindness. Releasing stuck pain. Releasing the clinging. Acknowledging the past does not have to define the present moment.
š§³ Am I still holding on to anything?
Forgiveness is hard work. A baby step could be, simply trying it on.
We love this guided forgiveness meditation.